Rate Naija:Façade

FAÇADE , Thai Restaurant
10, Bishop Abayode Cole, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria

So I’m lucky – I’ve got a great bunch of co-workers, a couple who are really good friends outside of work and a couple who are from out-of-country (is that acceptable speak like out of town? Out of country? Hm, ah well). So we hit on this brilliant idea to form a foodie club where we test out a new and different restaurant in town every other week. It makes for quite the event as conversations over dinner grow so many wings and fly in all kinds of hilarious directions. Fun times.

But on to the review. Now this restaurant was my choice having desperately searched the interwebs (read as Lost in Lagos) for somewhere new and fascinating. The pictures for Façade caught my attention, I am sucker for Thai food, and even better, it was down the street from work. So we were all set.

I’m not let down by the décor in the least. It’s grown and sexy at its finest. I start to get amped. A DJ is set up in the corner and he slowly begins to ramp up and go hard. I order a strawberry mojito and let me tell you straight up, it was the best gaddem mojito I’d ever had in Lagos, Nigeria. Now, I’m just thrilled and looking forward to the rest of the night because y’all know how hard it is to find a place that does drinks right.

I’m a little taken aback at the prices considering the lack of variety on the menu (flashback to Café Vanessa) but I’m on a nice buzz from my mojito so I figure what the hell, you only live once or something something. We finally begin to order and the first sign of doom comes when the waiter seems to be a little slow in collating orders. I mean, yeah, our party is relatively large but not that large but no worries, mojito buzz alive!!!

So we settle to wait…and wait….wait….wait….and wait…and wait… wait….wait….wait….and wait….wait….wait….wait…

….

………

…………..

……………..and wait….wait….wait

Man, this wait was endless. We begin to heckle the waiters who are by now running around uselessly like the famous headless chickens. The buzz from that sweet-ass mojito has long since worn off and instead of being pleasantly pissed, I’m just pissed.

Finally, the food begins to trickle in but when it does, guess what? NO GADDEM CUTLERY! Will you just believe that! We’re just astounded at this point and this prompts another round of heckling which of course leads to another round of waiters running around like you know what. All for some BLOODY CUTLERY which should have been on the tables from the word GO.

Another short and endless wait until the cutlery arrives only to turn to my plate to see the fried rice accompanying my entrée has yet to show up. I am about to fling my knife into one of the waiter’s backs but am just barely able to restrain myself when I think about the notorious Lagos prisons, Kirikiri.

Fried rice arrives when entrée is all gone cold but I’m too scared at this point to have them re-warm the plate because God only knows how long it would take and what could go missing in the process that’d spark another round of endless waiting.

We find solace in our loud and boisterous conversations instead. I think the food was nice but girl, anger and frustration probably made it taste like ash. Grrr.

Finally, we’re about to put a wrap to this long-ass night and call for the check. This freaking ninja brings out a check written on a small slip of paper in ink. Ninjas are handing over a miserable crumpled piece of paper written in ink, and calling it a check???? In 2013????

After we finish gaping and picking our jaws from the floor, we start yelling and talking reckless. A printed check magically appears. After reviewing for accuracy, we pony up the most of the amount in cash while one of our party opts to pay her bit and the balance using her card.

Wait for it…..just wait for it.

This waiter charges the ENTIRE amount to her card. DESPITE HAVING JUST RECEIVED MOST OF THE SUM IN CASH LITERALLY SECONDS BEFORE.

#done #wrap #endscene

Cue more reckless yelling, swearing, posturing…myself and the friend whose card was charged waiting behind to unmake a manager’s night. Sigh. Man, I understand how hard it is to run a restaurant especially on this side of the world, but look, if you can’t find and train good, quality staff, just…don’t bother. Don’t force it, please.

Needless to say, Façade was a wash. I’ll tell you what saved the night though – my crew and those conversations, period. These nuts go hard!

Pros:

That strawberry mojito. Just my luck I find my drink of choice and I can’t go back to indulge

Smooth décor

 

Cons:

Worst restaurant service in the world….EVER – idiot, bumbling staff; long delay between order and fulfillment; laissez-faire attitude toward customer complaint

Ideas for improvement:

Fire staff

Shut restaurant down

1.3 stars out of 5

L.